Wake Up In the Morning Feeling like …. shit.

Well WordPressers – ya almost lost me!

 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought – man I should really write a post today … but between being a lazy millennial and a busy pseudo-businesswoman… lets just say my free time consists of little other than Netflix, my couch and my cats.

Happy two weeks and two days into 2014!

So my goal for this year is not to lose 100 lbs, or a “new and improved” me… all I want is to feel healthy.

This is how my day goes now

1. wake up – ALWAYS tired

2. drink red bull (gratuitous amounts)

3. get ready (hair clothes makeup)

4. drive to work (drinking red bull, smoking cigarettes)

5. work – sit in front of computer, eating, drinking … MORE RED BULL, counting the minutes until i die (JUST KIDDING)

6. drive home from work (usually i don’t stop for another red bull, i think we’re up to about 4 at this point)

7. park myself on the couch

8. watch TOO much Vanderpump Rules and RHOBH

9. order in (typically pizza, Chinese or whatever will deliver to my fat ass)

10. watch more T.V

11. get serious FOMO at around 11 (fear of missing out)

12. finally go to sleep around 1:30

REPEAT.

 

So, as any 2 year old could see – the reason I don’t feel healthy is because I don’t LIVE  a healthy life style. The one problem I have with the “getting healthy” kick is that there are probably 103231326143614361435 ways to do said task.

Do I diet ? If so – weight watchers? south beach? my own diet? just eat less? try to figure out what “counting calories” is?

Do I exercise? Obviously yes but how? – gym membership (expensive), running/walking (this girl has a rack on her, so running it basically like getting punched in the face 1000 times), yoga (anyone who does yoga makes me hate myself), or I could always break out the copy of Carmen Electra’s stripperobics that my old roommate so kindly left behind.

One thing that is blatantly obvious is that I HAVE to stop drinking red bull, even sitting here at my desk with an 8.4 oz can staring back at me … I know I shouldn’t drink it, but I’m going to anyway.  It has absolutely stopped having its intended effect on me, for example – I am drank one at around 11:20 last night and was able to go to sleep.

So here is the question I pose to the wordpress world – what makes you FEEL HEALTHY??

Late Night Snack Post

Hello Everyone!

Its sunday night, and for most of you American bloggers that means one thing …. WORK MONDAY MORNING. Now, this particular Monday won’t be so terrible for me because I have a plethora of new clothes from a shopping trip this weekend so I’ll be feeling fresh.

 

Even though I’ve been working the same job for only 3 months, I worry that I’m falling into what I like to call a JOB rut. So, I love the job I have right now… it is the PERFECT place for me to be at twenty something years old, but unfortunately it is not in my field of interest so that is exactly what it is to me, a job. I look forward to the weekends and days off….. Everything is turning into a routine, and being in college for 5 years was anything but routine ….. I just worry I’m going to wake up one morning, start drinking coffee, and look forward to the highlight of my day – good water cooler gossip. The ONE thing that I will say about this position is that I get out of work before it gets dark…. For some odd reason, the recent day-light savings time induced darkness that begins around 5 has really affected me. When it gets dark I lose ALL motivation to do anything, leaving my bed … much less my apartment is nothing but a dreadful chore I avoid at all costs. I get about 2 hours of sunlight after work to do what I need to … so I am lucky.  I’ve considered investing in one of those light box’s that supposedly help fight Seasonal Affect Disorder, but I haven’t don’t enough research into the validity of the theory behind it.

 

I’m sure everyone goes through phases like these, and if any of you would care to share solutions to get out of this rut… I’d LOVE to hear them.

 

Goodnight blogosphere, sweet dreams.

Locked up ….. in Literature.

Hey ladies and germs!

Thought you got rid of me?! NAHHHHHH. As usual, I took an extended break from the daunting task of telling you all about my life.

Hmmmmm – I GOT THE JOB AT THE LAW FIRM! I am “Director of Client Services” which makes me feel like a bad boss bitch. I love my boss – although its been 3 weeks since I’ve seen her and its been hard to … and don’t get mad that i’m complaining… hard to do nothing. I have to answer about 2 emails/phone calls ….. A DAY. I have a wonderful schedule so at least I’m not here 9-5, haha I’m here 10-3.

I’m not sure if I’m allowed to be blogging at work, but like i said – I have nothing else to do… plus shes not here …. plus I’ve stayed off of the completely anti-productive social media site (facebook, twitter)… I just don’t want to get in trouble and get fired.

 

If you haven’t noticed…. I’m a worrier. If there is a chance something will go wrong, something will happen etc ….. I worry about it. Its a large fault of mine, and ends up causing me some pretty serious anxiety. If you looked in my stomach, I’m sure there’s a the beginning of an ulcer forming down there. Some people may blame it on Catholic guilt – which is totally possible (what kind of “faith” makes you publicly shame yourself by confessing every single bad thing you’ve done). Anyway …. lets see – today alone i’ve felt bad for running out of cat food, cutting a guy off on the high way, coming into work 2 minutes late AND obviously – blogging.

Since we last spoke I went on a serious prison education binge. Well “education” should be put loosely. By that I mean I’ve read about 5 books and watched all of the episodes of Lock Down that are on Netflix…. first class, ivy league education right there haha. Some of the titles I read were

 Going Up the River “Travels in a Prison Nation” by Joseph T. Hallinan

 – This book was VERY good. It was an in-depth look at America’s prison system from an economic and industrial viewpoint. It discusses the trend of building prisons for jobs, not to house criminals. Not many people view prisons as anything but a can to put society’s “trash” or “unmentionables” but in fact prisons serve a much greater purpose – to provide jobs in rural areas to those people who need work. Just take a gander at the environment prisons are built in … do you see them in the middle of populated, business-rich cities? NOPE. You see them in rural, jobless, resource-less areas that allow for this thrown away society. Anyway – if you are interested in the economics behind prisons – this is a MUST READ.

Newjack, Guarding Sing Sing. By Ted Conover.

This book was much different. I find participant observation fascinating, and that is exactly what Ted has done. Apparently he was denied access to Sing Sing as a journalist so he made the sociological decision to forgo his comfortable, limited-stress life for the life of a prison guard (which is anything but comfortable, or low stress). He put his life in danger to obtain information the public might else never know. Although it wasn’t as “gritty” or “juicy” as I expected – it told a good story of the kinds of troubles, dangers and social issues a prison guard faces. Theres one quote that really stuck with me (its not a direct quote, so i’ll probably botch it) but it went along the lines of “Prisoners and guards are both serving life sentences, guards just do theirs in 8 hour shifts.”

Fish By T.J Parsell

If you are looking for a tv show type drama of a book … this is it. The unfortunate thing is that for T.J, the scene didn’t end when someone called cut. TJ or “fish” as he was so fondly referred to as, held up a photo store. As a result he was sentenced to time in an adult prison. This book provides a look into the life of someone who is in prison, and doesn’t belong there. He was young, immature, naive ….. all of the things a KID is supposed to be. In this book he vividly recounts multiple rapes, and assaults as well as the inner workings of a prison society. I found T.J incredibly BRAVE to write this book, to come out to the world and tell them what happened to him, whats happening to the people we as a society lock up and throw away the key. I truly hope he has found peace and love in his life, and I apologize on behalf of our society and  the prison system for purporting these acts on a seventeen year old kid.

I can’t remember the other titles (unfortunately Barnes and Noble has an incredibly small criminology section). I have another book – a book of prisoners creative writing waiting for me … but I took a break and am reading a sci-fi book now.

 

I cant even get into my love life right now. It’s too complicated and if I talk about it I might cry, and I’m at work so thats not good.

Put your reading glasses on.

Hello!!!

Man – this past week has been intolerable. First off – Happy Fourth of July to everyone (yeah yeah, im 4 days late, I know). I’m gonna break with down by day because just too many things have happened.

So I’m pretty sure I posted about my schedule for last week and how I was scheduled for so many hours, called my boss and he took off a shift – OF course he doesn’t take off the dreaded Sunday but it was whatev’s.

Sunday – No work (from previous weeks schedule)

Monday – No work

Tuesday – work, only 4 people showed up. At my job, when there are a lot of dogs, typically there will be two people in each yard as opposed to one. Since it was the holiday week, we will filled to capacity every day … which mean 2 people needed to be in each yard. 2 (small) + 2 (big) = 4 employees in the yard…. now what do you supposed happened when only 4 people showed up for work? The rest of the work (feeding, cleaning the cages, bringing and taking out dogs) couldn’t get completed. AH just so frustrating but as I’m finding out, with min wage jobs like this… its about the paycheck not the quality of work you are putting in.

Wednesday – Work. Of course I’m scheduled with the woman who used to be a manager but got demoted and now feels she is too good to work with us peasants. What does that mean? Well she might as well not be there, we have to pick up her slack. Needless to say I came home exhausted and grumpy.

Thursday – FOURTH OF JULY! WOOOHOOO. No work! Sarah and I went to my parents for a day of swimming and catching up with my family. Almost the whole gang was there – cousins, aunts, family friends… it really was a good time. Granted, the food spread could have been better but you can’t expect that from the cuisinely challenged woman known as my step mother. Tony had to work all day, but I got to spend some very tired time with him that night.

Friday – Work & Paycheck. Now, I’m almost positive this a universal feeling – NOTHING feels worse than expecting to get one amount of money from a paycheck, and receiving substantially less. I’m not one of those people who particularly care about talking about income – I get the whole comparison thing that happens and the “i make more than you’s” but honestly I couldn’t care. At this point in my life, the amount of money I make has no correlation to the type of person I am, my potential or anything important. SO, I should mention that I am terrible at math – I never calculate the right amounts in my head – so I was guessing I’d get around $430-450 (thats take home – I have no idea what formula my head used to calculate the taxes that everyone dreads so much but apparently weren’t so bad for me) and I ended up getting around $340. WOMP WOMP.

For those of you who are, were, or know psychology majors, you may have heard of locus’ of control. Basically this concepts breaks people into two categories. Internal locus of control – essentially, things happen because of you, you believe you are the source of your problems, and equally the source of your success. External locus of control – essentially things happen to you, others are the source of your problem, but not always for your success. A common example of these locus’ occur when you receive a bad grade on a test. ILC’s would say “I didn’t study hard enough for this test” while ELC’s would say “The teacher hates me, and therefore I got a bad grade.” I am VERY MUCH an ILC – almost to a fault. I truly believe almost everything is some how my fault, and I have the catholic guilt to accompany it.

This is one of the first times I can remember where I solely blamed SOMEONE for this happening to me. I was convinced he cheated me out of hours, he was punishing me for not wanting more days… whatever his reason was … he stole from me. I cried for a while and then came to my senses and did the math (with a calculator) factoring in when we left early, and breaks and realized it was absolutely accurate. This would be the paycheck I would be receiving every two weeks for picking up dog poop. So lets say that’s when the discontent wheel started turning.

Saturday – Reeling from the teeny tiny paycheck I received, I decided that if I was going to get so little, I was going to work when I wanted (I imagine this is a generational mind frame – I think I’m called a MILLENNIAL).

Some characteristics of my generation –

  • we are impatient (TRUE)
  • short attention span (TRUE)
  • we don’t want to grow up (although I’d like to say FALSE …. it true)
  • we all believe we will be famous (with the invention of youtube, I’d say thats probably true)
  • but the best characteristic I’ve heard is that we don’t want to get jobs, we want to make our own jobs (ABSOLUTELY true) – I’ve exhibited this by creating a media manager position for my family company.

I decided that I would work 4 days a week, so I could get another job and make some real “paper”. I presented this idea to him, which he QUICKLY shot down. At this point I decided I was going to get another job. After speaking with my father, we decided that I wouldn’t quit until I got another job so I hit Craigslist and applied to everything I saw, and got an interview for Wednesday. I took a deep breath, and decided to go own working at least until Wednesday.

Sunday– I put on my big girl pants, and went into work facing an entire day shift. I hadn’t received my schedule the night before which I found to be odd. Of course my imagination ran away thinking I didn’t get my schedule because he was going to fire me, then my logical side convinced myself that he was busy and didn’t get a chance to send it. I was wrong. I walk in and there it is, a copy of the schedule hanging on the dry erase board … which means that someone had to receive the schedule to print it out and place it there. I look and my name, and instantly figure out why he didn’t send me a copy … its because he has scheduled me to work 7 days… all afternoon shifts. It was at that point that I knew without a doubt I was leaving this job, and it took everything in me not to just walk out at 6:20 and never look back. Luckily, unlike a lot of my generation I was taught manners and decided to wait until my shift was over, call and let him know I would no longer be working there. My finger nails (or lack of) explain just how nervous I was to make this phone call … I mean this was my first job, all I hear about is this economy and how hard it is to find a job, and the thought of having to ask my dad for money made me cringe, but I realized that for the past month I woke up dreading my job, dreading the day …. and I worked way too hard in college to put myself in that position in my life (call it millennial fever if you want, but that is something I truly believe) I spent 5 years, and a LOT of money on an education to ensure that I wouldn’t have to work at a job that makes me hate life.

So 11:00, end of shift comes around and this is it…. I have to do this or I’d be stuck with a 7 day shift (I know technically I should have given him two weeks notice, but considering my impending schedule, I couldn’t deal with 14 days of the worst shifts). I called him, it started off pretty civil … I explained that I would no longer be working at his company, but I very much appreciated the chance to work there. And then it got nasty, he asked if I would be giving him two weeks to find a replacement, and I said unfortunately I couldn’t, he said whatever … grunted … and hung up. It left a sour feeling in my stomach, and I spend much of yesterday in an anxiety ridden haze. For some odd reason I had a sinking feeling that I was going to get into some kind of trouble, I have no idea who would be doling out the punishment, but I felt like one was coming. I just keep repeating to myself – you aren’t the first person to quit your job, and you could have been MORE inconsiderate… For example – I’ve heard of people just not showing up, calling right before a shift…. I gave him almost a day to find a replacement, and a lot of people were looking for more hours.

That leads up to TODAY!

Monday – Woke up feeling good today! I slept until about 9, and didn’t wake up with a sense of dread for the oncoming day. I’m still not feeling great about jumping back into unemployment. This cleared a little while ago when I scheduled TWO interviews for this week. 1 on tuesday! 1 on wednesday! They are both for administrative assistant positions, which is something I can see myself really enjoying. I like interacting with people, organizing and helping others. I plan to do that until fingers crossed I get into graduate school. Also, one of my best friends is coming to visit this weekend, which I would have had to work during, and now I can spend time with her!!!

One common issue I had during this whole week was my dad. I am learning as I get older, he gets more distant …. and I’m not sure if its a combination of whats going on with him, or its just how he was treated when he was growing up. I just need his support sometimes, and he doesn’t understand that he can disagree with me, and support me at the same time. His opinion on this situation was that I should have waited to get another job before I quit my current one, which I agreed with to some extent. Unfortunately things didn’t play out that way, and he preferred to dwell on how I didn’t take his advice, instead of understanding why I did it, and supporting me as a person. A simple it’s going to be okay can really change a persons outlook, and sometimes I just need that from him but he doesn’t know how to give me that support. Luckily, both my mother and my step mother were incredibly supportive and both made me feel okay about the decision I made. I guess when one parent checks out, the other checks in. I just wish they would give me that schedule so i wouldn’t have to find out which parent has checked in the hard way.

I figure this post is long enough, you don’t need to meet anyone today. Tomorrow I’ll introduce you to another key player in the life of bbtwentysomething.

(I need to think of some witty sign off catch phrase – any advice is welcome!)

Feeling pretty proud of myself!

Hello friends and loved ones (actually – hopefully no loved ones). Well, the blog continues, although I didn’t get a chance to post yesterday. Alright – thats a lie, I had plenty of chances but I didn’t want to expose my fresh faced followers to the crazy that goes on in my cranium. The long and short of it is, I have struggled with generalized anxiety for the past few years – it all began when I got to college (a different story for a different day). A combination of therapy and medication did the trick, but eventually I got too busy for therapy and the fast acting medication had to suffice, which it did for a while. Since I left college, my attacks have decreased significantly but with the drama I created for myself because of my schedule and my complete lack of spine…. I had a pretty major attack that lasted about two days. The reason for the blog name – I am proud to say that I made it through without medication, and I am feeling really good about it.

While I won’t go into detail yet (I mean buy a girl a drink first), but I think its important to blog about this because so many people are embarrassed or ashamed of their mental disorders. Often times because there is not physical test, whether it be blood, brain or otherwise, that can “prove” that a problem exist, people tend to think they are made up. Amongst the drool that usually shows up on my facebook feed, one picture quote really stuck with me.

Depression is a chemical imbalance, not a character flaw

I believe, and science supports this fact. So I will relish in my victory 🙂

 

Anywho, today was my day off though I couldn’t really enjoy it because it means that I work on Sunday (all day). I have no idea why that scares me so much, maybe its because its all day, or because I’m not particularly fond of the people working on Sunday but I’m going to put on my big girl pants and make it through and just PRAY PRAY PRAY to whoever will listen not to be scheduled on Sundays regularly.

Hmm, lets see who I want to introduce you beautiful people to today…. we’ll take a walk on the wild side and meet my handsome pride and joy – Doodle. This little man is a 3 year old orange tabby. I went to college in RURAL PA, like cows and tree out numbered the people about 10 to 1. In this area, as with most farm areas I’m told, it is popular to release a cats unwanted litter onto a farm as a sort of real-time survival of the fittest. I am so thankful every day that Doodle happened to be one of the fittest. He was the lone survivor of his litter, and the only way he got found was because of his cry. This little cat has the cry of a full grown woman – so loud and so high pitched that I’m pretty sure it compares to a dog whistle. This cry is what saved him, and what allowed me to meet him and fall head over heels in love with him. He is literally my baby. I am sure that he is fully aware of how much I am in awe of him, and it has shaped his personality immensely. He is sassy and defiant in the cutest way possible. One example of his defiance … and intelligence – I will admit that I somewhat slack on keeping his literally absolutely pristine. I have one of those mega litter boxes with a top and door – so I don’t get a clear view of how full it is all the time. Doodle has found that the most effective way to express his frustration with me about this and other issues is to urinate on my bed. While most people would get very angry – all I can do is blame myself because I don’t keep his litter clean. Now before you all think I’m a sicko who sleeps in cat pee – I have a special protective covering for my mattress, and about a zillion sets of sheets. Anyway – that is the bright spot of my life… my cat Doodle.

Help Me Please!

Hello bloggers and bloggettes,

 Post two on day two but I can’t help it – I need advice!

I just got a new job, and I should point out, my first job about three weeks ago. Its at a kennel, and I am technically a full time employee (30-40 hours a week). Typically I work about 30 hours, with two days off. This week we are particularly busy because of the holiday so I was scheduled for about 43 hours (3 hours of overtime, on top of an extra 10 hours with only one day off). I immediately got SUPER overwhelmed, cried, had a panic attack and made the decision to call my boss to check if it was correct. He explained that he didn’t think I would mind extra hours, and that the holiday was time and a half. I said okay, hung up and proceeded to cry more. After consoling from my boyfriend and roommate, I called back and explained that I wanted to be honest, I was feeling overwhelmed by the number of hours – he quickly told me that he would switch me with someone so I didn’t feel overwhelmed. Shortly after he called to confirm I received the email with the new schedule and HOORAY! I have two days off.

Now, you would think I’d be happy right? Well you’re wrong. For the first time this week I was scheduled to work on Sunday, an all day shift. I dread seeing my name in that slot, and I assumed that since I had the same schedule for two weeks that I was set and NOT working on Sunday. As unhappy as I am, I will work this Sunday. The knot in my stomach is that this may become permanent …. I have about 1000 reasons that it probably won’t – he said this schedule was for the busy holiday week, two extra people are scheduled for Sunday or at least I think two people – I would drive myself crazy trying to figure out the pattern. I just have my fingers crossed that I won’t be scheduled for Sundays on a permanent basis ya know?

 

So here’s where I need the advice possible employers or employees – did I make a huge mistake calling my boss and asking for less hours? AND just a matter of opinion – do you think I’ll be scheduled for Sundays normally…. I could do a poll but I’d like to get some comments and start a conversation. You can be TOTALLY honest – I’m tough and pretty logical.

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!