Short and to the point.

Hello Loves!

 Keeping it short and sweet today. Break up status – still in effect. I’m realizing I miss him a lot! So now I’m just trying to see if I can get past the lying and emotional cheating. Updates to come. Having a sunny weekend – this girl needs some vitamin d in her system. Tomorrow me and my heterosexual life mate will travel to my parents for a relaxing day by the pool. Saturday, We’re traveling down to LBI to spend the day soaking it up on the beach. Plus we will be eating at Pinky’s — a personal favorite. Nothing gets my excited quite like food.

Have a wonderful weekend bloggers.

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A funny thing happened with my boyfriend of six years

Blogzillas put ya hands up!

Lame… so lame. I know. I’m sitting in my bed, watching undeclared (incredible incredible Judd Apatow series with a STAR-STUDDED cast … college in what I believe was the early 2000’s). WATCH IT ON NETFLIX.

So here’s the drama, the break up. Yesterday morning, this almost employed 20 something woke up from her beauty rest to a few facebook messages from a girl I didn’t know. Obviously, I did the usual investigation – looked for mutual friends, looked at where she was from … nothing looked familiar. So I read the messages and they tell me that my boyfriend of six years spent the morning flirting with her… and more explicitly talking about sex with her. Now, I have heard of instances where jealous girls will contact current girlfriends and pretend like they are cheating or whatever … so I gave (I’m going to repeat it) my boyfriend of six years the benefit of the doubt. Growing up Catholic, I am familiar with the story of doubting Thomas, and I chose a different path…. until that story came true for me. About 10 minutes after the initial messages, I receive picture messages (I didn’t even know you could do that on facebook now) of the conversation between her and my boyfriend of SIX …. 1.2.3.4.5.6 years living up to what she told me. Not only did I have to witness him talking about six with my boyfriend, I had to read him do it with absolutely NO game. WHAT A BLOW. Many may disagree with me, but I believe that is cheating. I think I heard it on girl code but, cheating is when you do something that you need to hide and/or something you wouldn’t want your significant other to see. I later found out he did delete the messages which clearly suggests that he DID NOT INTEND FOR ME TO SEE THEM. AHHHH this is making me so angry even talking about it but I need to, to you people … to no body … I just need to get it the fuck out of me. Who is the girl you may ask? From what I was told, he knew her in his “youth” (his words not mine).

I need a paragraph break to explain what exactly I felt

Rage – HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THAT DIRTBAG SCUM SUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. FUCK HIM, HE CAN GO DO HER AND ANY OTHER SKANK (I don’t know she if she is a skank, and I do feel bad about calling her it but it feels good)..

Insecurity – what does she have that I don’t. what did i do to him that made him want someone else. it must be my body. it must be my face. it must be my personality. im not enough. im not good enough.

Naive disbelief – my boyfriend of six years didn’t do this to me. it must be some kind of mistake. maybe someone hacked his facebook and was talking to her. this isn’t happening. he wouldn’t do this to me.

Embarrassment – how am i going to tell people about this. maybe i should just ignore it so that i won’t have to break up with him, and i won’t have to tell anyone that I’m not enough for him. I’m so ashamed of myself.

Seriously, what the hell am I supposed to do? This was the person I fully intended on spending my life with. He was it for me, my fairytale. When I think about our future, it literally gives me butterflies. The idea of walking down the aisle to him, the idea of having kids with him … taking them to soccer games together, making cupcakes, kissing him when he comes home from work…. it looked so wonderful to me. But typically this happens to me – Things REALLY go my way, and right when its about to stick … they fall apart. Case and point – my grandmother was basically my mother growing up – and right at the time when arguably I needed her the most (early teens/high school/post puberty) she got Alzheimers. But prior to that she made me feel better than any person on earth. Every single day she made sure to tell me that I lit up her life, I hope to be able to give that kind of pure, uncensored, unconditional love to someone….Anyway the pattern is …. great, great, great, gone. It’s basically the same pattern with tony but with one very important difference… my grandmother didn’t CHOSE to get Alzheimers and ruin everything. She didn’t go on the internet looking for something other than me to make her feel better, forget or whatever. My boyfriend of six years did.

For the past few days, I’ve been trying to asses if this is a relationship I can continue, not because I’m scared of being alone, or because its just easier … I want to know if it is right. As an outsider, I could objectively tell someone “a tiger doesn’t change his stripes, and therefore he’ll probably do it again”. But when you’re in it …. man its so hard to remain objective… if its even possible. So I’ve been trying to see how comfortable I am around him, and each time I’ve seen him I’ve ended up crying. Today we went to lunch at smashburger, and everything was going well. It still hurt to see him, but I didn’t have the urge to either cry or rip his throat out….. and then we get back to my apartment and he receives a text and IMMEDIATELY I expected it to be another girl, someone else to comfort him….. sext with him … whatever you will. Thats when I got upset. Now the thing is, I wasn’t upset because he got a text, I was upset because now I am that suspicious, nosy, jealous, psycho girlfriend. Next thing you know I’ll be asking to see his phone every day. THIS IS WHAT I WANTED TO AVOID. I don’t want to be this person.

 

Woof – thats enough for today. Love you all, and HOLD ON TO THE ONES YOU LOVE.

 

Talk to me baby!

I’M SORRY! I’ve been having a really weird week – and I think its time to share. SO …. big hollywood news – Cory Monteith died. I lovedddd glee in the beginning and I am not ashamed to admit that I had a mega crush on Finn, he was just your boy next door, quarterback. Tell me ladies, you haven’t once dreamed about what it would have been like to get down with the quarterback of your high school football team? If you haven’t either he was very ugly, or you are lying. There is just something so American about a teenage boy playing football, but I digress and possibly am being a little disrespectful. Anyway, for some odd reason his death has me shaken up a little, and as I’ve tried to explain to my friends … its not exactly that HE specifically died, but that someone so young, with so much potential was just gone .. poof. If you take his addiction out of the equation, objectively he was living the life – he was the star of a hit television show, he had a beautiful girlfriend… I mean, American Dream much? And that is exactly the point I hope people take away from his death – that addiction has NO preference for who it chooses, it doesn’t only happen to the lowly, impoverished, or sad … it can literally affect ANYONE. It is not racist, sexist, classist, ageist …. in other words – there is no human who is immune to addiction.

As I believe with most mental health issues/disorders), it is a combination of genetics and environment. For example – according to statistics, I, personally, am 7x more likely to have a substance abuse problem because of my father and family. This is the genetics, I have the gene that would make becoming an addict both appetizing and efficient. I, however, do not like to drink, I do not surround myself with a lot of people who drink, and this is the environment factor. Although my body wants to be an alcoholic or addict, the environment I’m has prevented this gene from being expressed, allowing me to continue on as a non-addict. This storm of genes and environment conspired against Monteith, creating an addict. Even though by all measures he had no reason to use, and had sought help for substance abuse … something in him that night, some combination of genes and feelings caused him to use, and ultimately caused him to die.

Bizarrely, I’ve been following this pretty closely on twitter, and I noticed an interesting trend. Prior to the release of the autopsy report, universally this was seen as a tragedy. A young, promising, talented star put out before his time. Once it was revealed that his death was caused by drugs and alcohol, the population seemed to split – have remained convinced this was nothing more than a terrible terrible tragedy, the other half all of a sudden adopted the idea that his death was his own fault because he used drugs. This is the most ignorant idea I’ve come across in a long time, and actually angers me. I believe that until you struggle with addiction, you can’t understand why an addict does what they do. I have been fortunate enough not to struggle, and as much as I want to empathize, I will never know what my father went through, and goes through every day. As much as Cory’s friends and family will want to understand, they won’t be able to know why he needed to use.

Now, hopefully you’re all saying … what the f*ck is this twenty-something writing a novel about a teen show star …. its something I HAD to get off my chest … and my friends just don’t understand. As I travel through what I believe Erikson calls the individuality vs. autonomy stage of psychosocial development, I realize that I have to formulate opinions on important things in my life, specifically, death. I’ve lost two very important people in my life, my grandmother and my god father/uncle. In both circumstances the “end” was fairly drawn out. My uncle had stage four, metastatic Melanoma…. basically meaning he had skin cancer that eventually traveled to every other part of him, it took about 1 1/2 years to kill him. My grandmother (who I’ve yet to introduce to you, BUT WILL) was diagnosed with Alzheimers when I was 15 and she died when I was 22. This provided me with the unique opportunity to mourn and grieve them before they were actually gone. It probably sounds crazy – I’d say my grandmother lost mental acuity about 2 year after the diagnosis … giving me 4 years where her body was there, but her mind, what essentially made her.. her, was long gone. After a blow up with my mother, my uncle stopped talking to me, which allowed me to distance myself from what is what going to be like when he died. I took both deaths hard, but I felt it was easier because I had so much time to prepare. In the case of Monteith, and I specifically remember feeling this way when I watched Selena, it was instant, unexpected and there is no way to prepare for it. It’s a “one second you’re there, one second you’re not” kind of situation and that REALLY freaks me out. I pray that I never have to experience a loss that way, and my heart TRULY goes out to those who have experienced it.

 

OKAY! Drug/Death rant = OVER.

What’s going on in my life you ask? Well ladies and gentlemen, I am taking one giant leap off of the unemployment line. I have obtained a job with a law firm!!!! I mean, a girl who wants to go into legal/forensic psychology…. working at a law firm!!!!!!!!! The lawyer I will be working for is a BOSS LADY. She can’t be older than 30, she has her own firm… WITH AN OFFICE in a city nearby. I really think that she could be a role model for me, even though she may not know it yet.

I don’t really know, but I feel like begging for comments is the equivalent of fishing for compliments but people – I want to know who you are! I want to speak to you!! The whole reason I started this blog was so that I could hear what other people think of my ramblings, the real stuff – not the censored stuff I give to my friends and family. If you think I’m interesting, or stupid … naive or ignorant, funny or charming … TELL ME ABOUT IT!

“Craigslist Killed”

 

I have my third, and as of right now, last interview today at 3pm. Here’s the situation –

I applied to this job (business assistant) on Craigslist. Shortly after I got an email from a woman asking if I was available for an interview to which i replied yes. We scheduled one for today, and she gave me the address where I should go for the interview and underneath it says “this is a residence”.

The first thing that popped into my naive mind was that she owns her own business which she probably runs out of her house. The realists in my life (Tony, Sarah, Dad) quickly reminded me that I could get “craigslist killed”, and that it was very bizarre that she wanted me to meet her at a house. Now, I am in my 20’s, I tower over most people I know at 5’11… unless weapons were involved, I am confident that if I encountered a problem with this woman, I at least have the ability to get myself out of a situation. Do you see how far ahead of myself I get? This is what happens when people tell me the bad of a situation. Sometimes, I elect to be naive. When I got the email, because I am an intelligent educated human, of course the dangers of the situation flashed across my head. The actual danger in thinking this way is that you miss out on things because you are scared. What if this is an excellent opportunity for me and I don’t get to experience it because of the small chance this woman is a serial killer (THE ODDS OF ANY WOMAN BEING A SERIAL KILLER ARE SO LOW). So my father and I came to a happy compromise. I would e-mail her, and ask to speak with her on the phone before the interview, I wouldn’t mention the craigslist killed thing, I just explained I’d like to learn a little more about the work she does. If she says no, or doesn’t respond (i.e i get a phone call), I won’t go to the interview. If she does and I feel comfortable after speaking with her, I will go. The other thing that makes me thing this situation is legit, is that she lives in a rich neighborhood – now I’m not saying rich people aren’t crazy psychopaths also, one could argue that it takes the skills of a sociopath to acquire such quantities of money, but I’d feel better walking into a mansion than a shack with broken windows – ohh the way society has shaped the way I think astounds even me sometimes.

And now we wait for the phone call.

 

Good Day Mates!Today was an excellent day! I

Good Day Mates!

Today was an excellent day! I had two interviews, and I don’t want to jinx myself but I think they went well! One was at a law firm, about a 20 min drive away. I LOVED it! Its a small firm that handles primarily estate planning – and the woman I interviewed with was such a smart, well-composed woman – definitely someone to look up to. The interview lasted about 40 minutes, and I sent a follow up thank you (I’ve heard this makes you stick out to possible employers). The second one was odd – there was a mix up with addresses so I was almost late. He gave me an application that was not in any language I could recognize, I said ” I can’t fill this out, its not in english” to which he replied “you can speak spanish can’t you?” …. ” this isn’t in spanish either” …. “we just like to make sure that you’re paying attention”. It’s a pretty large company – it has branches all over the states as well as development branches internationally. He explained there is a large possibility for job advancement as well as the chance to make upwards of $30 an hour. I would start as a part time employee and possibly become full time in the future.

 

I am feeling really good. I needed a boost after all the anxiety and dramatics at my last job. This gives me something to look forward to, a job that can utilize some of the skills I worked so hard developing.

I have another interview tomorrow at 3pm. It’s a little odd because it’s a residence (business assistant), but I am not going to miss an opportunity. I’m assuming this woman owns her own business and it would be in a informal environment… or something like that. I decided that if I get a bad feeling when I get there then I just won’t go inside. I would say that someone should alert the authorities if you don’t hear from me, but there’s a good chance I could go on another blog dry spell. I’ll make sure to update tomorrow for any of you concerned readers.

okay, its getting lame now. i’ll try out a few sign offs.

catcha’ later loves (MEH…. i already hate it)

Gimme that money!

Happy happy update! I have two more interviews for tomorrow! One for a law firm, one for a computer company – both administrative assistant jobs. I really think that for now I will enjoy that – I like office work, answering phones, interacting with customers … I think I can enjoy that until graduate school, and possibly during.

I am definitely nervous! The “interview” for my kennel job didn’t go that smoothly. I showed up overdressed, walked around the yards and waited for him to get off the phone. I realize this is not how typical interviews go, and I hope that I can rock these ones. The next problem I have is deciding which job to take, if I get offered any of the jobs. Both pay approximately the same – between $10 and $15, the hours seem awesome. The only difference is the traveling time – one is 10 minutes away, one is 30 minutes away.

Wish me luck!

 

(still no catchphrase signoff haha)

Put your reading glasses on.

Hello!!!

Man – this past week has been intolerable. First off – Happy Fourth of July to everyone (yeah yeah, im 4 days late, I know). I’m gonna break with down by day because just too many things have happened.

So I’m pretty sure I posted about my schedule for last week and how I was scheduled for so many hours, called my boss and he took off a shift – OF course he doesn’t take off the dreaded Sunday but it was whatev’s.

Sunday – No work (from previous weeks schedule)

Monday – No work

Tuesday – work, only 4 people showed up. At my job, when there are a lot of dogs, typically there will be two people in each yard as opposed to one. Since it was the holiday week, we will filled to capacity every day … which mean 2 people needed to be in each yard. 2 (small) + 2 (big) = 4 employees in the yard…. now what do you supposed happened when only 4 people showed up for work? The rest of the work (feeding, cleaning the cages, bringing and taking out dogs) couldn’t get completed. AH just so frustrating but as I’m finding out, with min wage jobs like this… its about the paycheck not the quality of work you are putting in.

Wednesday – Work. Of course I’m scheduled with the woman who used to be a manager but got demoted and now feels she is too good to work with us peasants. What does that mean? Well she might as well not be there, we have to pick up her slack. Needless to say I came home exhausted and grumpy.

Thursday – FOURTH OF JULY! WOOOHOOO. No work! Sarah and I went to my parents for a day of swimming and catching up with my family. Almost the whole gang was there – cousins, aunts, family friends… it really was a good time. Granted, the food spread could have been better but you can’t expect that from the cuisinely challenged woman known as my step mother. Tony had to work all day, but I got to spend some very tired time with him that night.

Friday – Work & Paycheck. Now, I’m almost positive this a universal feeling – NOTHING feels worse than expecting to get one amount of money from a paycheck, and receiving substantially less. I’m not one of those people who particularly care about talking about income – I get the whole comparison thing that happens and the “i make more than you’s” but honestly I couldn’t care. At this point in my life, the amount of money I make has no correlation to the type of person I am, my potential or anything important. SO, I should mention that I am terrible at math – I never calculate the right amounts in my head – so I was guessing I’d get around $430-450 (thats take home – I have no idea what formula my head used to calculate the taxes that everyone dreads so much but apparently weren’t so bad for me) and I ended up getting around $340. WOMP WOMP.

For those of you who are, were, or know psychology majors, you may have heard of locus’ of control. Basically this concepts breaks people into two categories. Internal locus of control – essentially, things happen because of you, you believe you are the source of your problems, and equally the source of your success. External locus of control – essentially things happen to you, others are the source of your problem, but not always for your success. A common example of these locus’ occur when you receive a bad grade on a test. ILC’s would say “I didn’t study hard enough for this test” while ELC’s would say “The teacher hates me, and therefore I got a bad grade.” I am VERY MUCH an ILC – almost to a fault. I truly believe almost everything is some how my fault, and I have the catholic guilt to accompany it.

This is one of the first times I can remember where I solely blamed SOMEONE for this happening to me. I was convinced he cheated me out of hours, he was punishing me for not wanting more days… whatever his reason was … he stole from me. I cried for a while and then came to my senses and did the math (with a calculator) factoring in when we left early, and breaks and realized it was absolutely accurate. This would be the paycheck I would be receiving every two weeks for picking up dog poop. So lets say that’s when the discontent wheel started turning.

Saturday – Reeling from the teeny tiny paycheck I received, I decided that if I was going to get so little, I was going to work when I wanted (I imagine this is a generational mind frame – I think I’m called a MILLENNIAL).

Some characteristics of my generation –

  • we are impatient (TRUE)
  • short attention span (TRUE)
  • we don’t want to grow up (although I’d like to say FALSE …. it true)
  • we all believe we will be famous (with the invention of youtube, I’d say thats probably true)
  • but the best characteristic I’ve heard is that we don’t want to get jobs, we want to make our own jobs (ABSOLUTELY true) – I’ve exhibited this by creating a media manager position for my family company.

I decided that I would work 4 days a week, so I could get another job and make some real “paper”. I presented this idea to him, which he QUICKLY shot down. At this point I decided I was going to get another job. After speaking with my father, we decided that I wouldn’t quit until I got another job so I hit Craigslist and applied to everything I saw, and got an interview for Wednesday. I took a deep breath, and decided to go own working at least until Wednesday.

Sunday– I put on my big girl pants, and went into work facing an entire day shift. I hadn’t received my schedule the night before which I found to be odd. Of course my imagination ran away thinking I didn’t get my schedule because he was going to fire me, then my logical side convinced myself that he was busy and didn’t get a chance to send it. I was wrong. I walk in and there it is, a copy of the schedule hanging on the dry erase board … which means that someone had to receive the schedule to print it out and place it there. I look and my name, and instantly figure out why he didn’t send me a copy … its because he has scheduled me to work 7 days… all afternoon shifts. It was at that point that I knew without a doubt I was leaving this job, and it took everything in me not to just walk out at 6:20 and never look back. Luckily, unlike a lot of my generation I was taught manners and decided to wait until my shift was over, call and let him know I would no longer be working there. My finger nails (or lack of) explain just how nervous I was to make this phone call … I mean this was my first job, all I hear about is this economy and how hard it is to find a job, and the thought of having to ask my dad for money made me cringe, but I realized that for the past month I woke up dreading my job, dreading the day …. and I worked way too hard in college to put myself in that position in my life (call it millennial fever if you want, but that is something I truly believe) I spent 5 years, and a LOT of money on an education to ensure that I wouldn’t have to work at a job that makes me hate life.

So 11:00, end of shift comes around and this is it…. I have to do this or I’d be stuck with a 7 day shift (I know technically I should have given him two weeks notice, but considering my impending schedule, I couldn’t deal with 14 days of the worst shifts). I called him, it started off pretty civil … I explained that I would no longer be working at his company, but I very much appreciated the chance to work there. And then it got nasty, he asked if I would be giving him two weeks to find a replacement, and I said unfortunately I couldn’t, he said whatever … grunted … and hung up. It left a sour feeling in my stomach, and I spend much of yesterday in an anxiety ridden haze. For some odd reason I had a sinking feeling that I was going to get into some kind of trouble, I have no idea who would be doling out the punishment, but I felt like one was coming. I just keep repeating to myself – you aren’t the first person to quit your job, and you could have been MORE inconsiderate… For example – I’ve heard of people just not showing up, calling right before a shift…. I gave him almost a day to find a replacement, and a lot of people were looking for more hours.

That leads up to TODAY!

Monday – Woke up feeling good today! I slept until about 9, and didn’t wake up with a sense of dread for the oncoming day. I’m still not feeling great about jumping back into unemployment. This cleared a little while ago when I scheduled TWO interviews for this week. 1 on tuesday! 1 on wednesday! They are both for administrative assistant positions, which is something I can see myself really enjoying. I like interacting with people, organizing and helping others. I plan to do that until fingers crossed I get into graduate school. Also, one of my best friends is coming to visit this weekend, which I would have had to work during, and now I can spend time with her!!!

One common issue I had during this whole week was my dad. I am learning as I get older, he gets more distant …. and I’m not sure if its a combination of whats going on with him, or its just how he was treated when he was growing up. I just need his support sometimes, and he doesn’t understand that he can disagree with me, and support me at the same time. His opinion on this situation was that I should have waited to get another job before I quit my current one, which I agreed with to some extent. Unfortunately things didn’t play out that way, and he preferred to dwell on how I didn’t take his advice, instead of understanding why I did it, and supporting me as a person. A simple it’s going to be okay can really change a persons outlook, and sometimes I just need that from him but he doesn’t know how to give me that support. Luckily, both my mother and my step mother were incredibly supportive and both made me feel okay about the decision I made. I guess when one parent checks out, the other checks in. I just wish they would give me that schedule so i wouldn’t have to find out which parent has checked in the hard way.

I figure this post is long enough, you don’t need to meet anyone today. Tomorrow I’ll introduce you to another key player in the life of bbtwentysomething.

(I need to think of some witty sign off catch phrase – any advice is welcome!)