Blogzillas put ya hands up!
Lame… so lame. I know. I’m sitting in my bed, watching undeclared (incredible incredible Judd Apatow series with a STAR-STUDDED cast … college in what I believe was the early 2000’s). WATCH IT ON NETFLIX.
So here’s the drama, the break up. Yesterday morning, this almost employed 20 something woke up from her beauty rest to a few facebook messages from a girl I didn’t know. Obviously, I did the usual investigation – looked for mutual friends, looked at where she was from … nothing looked familiar. So I read the messages and they tell me that my boyfriend of six years spent the morning flirting with her… and more explicitly talking about sex with her. Now, I have heard of instances where jealous girls will contact current girlfriends and pretend like they are cheating or whatever … so I gave (I’m going to repeat it) my boyfriend of six years the benefit of the doubt. Growing up Catholic, I am familiar with the story of doubting Thomas, and I chose a different path…. until that story came true for me. About 10 minutes after the initial messages, I receive picture messages (I didn’t even know you could do that on facebook now) of the conversation between her and my boyfriend of SIX …. 126.96.36.199.5.6 years living up to what she told me. Not only did I have to witness him talking about six with my boyfriend, I had to read him do it with absolutely NO game. WHAT A BLOW. Many may disagree with me, but I believe that is cheating. I think I heard it on girl code but, cheating is when you do something that you need to hide and/or something you wouldn’t want your significant other to see. I later found out he did delete the messages which clearly suggests that he DID NOT INTEND FOR ME TO SEE THEM. AHHHH this is making me so angry even talking about it but I need to, to you people … to no body … I just need to get it the fuck out of me. Who is the girl you may ask? From what I was told, he knew her in his “youth” (his words not mine).
I need a paragraph break to explain what exactly I felt
Rage – HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THAT DIRTBAG SCUM SUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. FUCK HIM, HE CAN GO DO HER AND ANY OTHER SKANK (I don’t know she if she is a skank, and I do feel bad about calling her it but it feels good)..
Insecurity – what does she have that I don’t. what did i do to him that made him want someone else. it must be my body. it must be my face. it must be my personality. im not enough. im not good enough.
Naive disbelief – my boyfriend of six years didn’t do this to me. it must be some kind of mistake. maybe someone hacked his facebook and was talking to her. this isn’t happening. he wouldn’t do this to me.
Embarrassment – how am i going to tell people about this. maybe i should just ignore it so that i won’t have to break up with him, and i won’t have to tell anyone that I’m not enough for him. I’m so ashamed of myself.
Seriously, what the hell am I supposed to do? This was the person I fully intended on spending my life with. He was it for me, my fairytale. When I think about our future, it literally gives me butterflies. The idea of walking down the aisle to him, the idea of having kids with him … taking them to soccer games together, making cupcakes, kissing him when he comes home from work…. it looked so wonderful to me. But typically this happens to me – Things REALLY go my way, and right when its about to stick … they fall apart. Case and point – my grandmother was basically my mother growing up – and right at the time when arguably I needed her the most (early teens/high school/post puberty) she got Alzheimers. But prior to that she made me feel better than any person on earth. Every single day she made sure to tell me that I lit up her life, I hope to be able to give that kind of pure, uncensored, unconditional love to someone….Anyway the pattern is …. great, great, great, gone. It’s basically the same pattern with tony but with one very important difference… my grandmother didn’t CHOSE to get Alzheimers and ruin everything. She didn’t go on the internet looking for something other than me to make her feel better, forget or whatever. My boyfriend of six years did.
For the past few days, I’ve been trying to asses if this is a relationship I can continue, not because I’m scared of being alone, or because its just easier … I want to know if it is right. As an outsider, I could objectively tell someone “a tiger doesn’t change his stripes, and therefore he’ll probably do it again”. But when you’re in it …. man its so hard to remain objective… if its even possible. So I’ve been trying to see how comfortable I am around him, and each time I’ve seen him I’ve ended up crying. Today we went to lunch at smashburger, and everything was going well. It still hurt to see him, but I didn’t have the urge to either cry or rip his throat out….. and then we get back to my apartment and he receives a text and IMMEDIATELY I expected it to be another girl, someone else to comfort him….. sext with him … whatever you will. Thats when I got upset. Now the thing is, I wasn’t upset because he got a text, I was upset because now I am that suspicious, nosy, jealous, psycho girlfriend. Next thing you know I’ll be asking to see his phone every day. THIS IS WHAT I WANTED TO AVOID. I don’t want to be this person.
Woof – thats enough for today. Love you all, and HOLD ON TO THE ONES YOU LOVE.